Ox Fall Down

No word from Demetri or Delaney. Hurry up and wait.

I've been feeling strangely happy the past few days. Almost buoyant. Certainly being around high-caliber doctors is invigorating. It's nice to know there's a plan even if it involves uncertainty. Beyond the contact high I wonder if there's a relief that the tumor is growing. Living scan to scan requires so much focus there's almost a suspension of reality. The need for focus won't change now. But we knew the tumor would grow, it was only a question of when. Tick tock, tick tock. How to describe it? The early morning of a big day at work or an exam. The clock is set for 7:00 but you wake up at 5:00. You know you need your rest to be sharp so you stay in bed. The sleep, though, isn't very good. You keep waking up and looking at the time. It's almost a blessing when the alarm goes off and you can get in the shower.

So, my alarm just went off. I know there are days ahead when I will beg for the uncertainty of last year. But for now it's good to at least be in motion.

Another easy reason for my peace of mind is the change in available therapy. Three years ago radiation wasn't an option. Now science has caught up with me. Demetri told me in May of 2000 that he wanted to keep me alive long enough for medicine to change. So far he's on track.

Finally, I have used the past two years to come to terms with the disease and the larger questions of mortality. I have not all the answers but I'm not shying away from anything either. When I say I'm more concerned about 1 out in the 8th inning it's glib, for sure. It's also true. I can be responsibly focused on a baseball team because I've consistently read, written and talked about living with this disease. I've worked out a lot of the thorny issues with doctors and nurses. I sense a lot of anxiety from family and friends. That's understandable the first day you learn of the growth. Three days later you need to deal with it. Start by asking yourself, Am I ok with this? Ask it out loud. If the answer is, Yep, then proceed with your day. If the answer is, Nope, then figure out how to get to Yep. There's no shame in talking to each other, a shrink, a counselor, a priest. We've been given time. I don't have glioblastoma. Let's use it to make a breakthrough in understanding: what we've been given is sufficient.

Martyrs and Atlas complexes need not apply.

That's the lengthy word on the spring in my step. Better not to question a buzz. Just ride it.